Carmen Read online

  Plenty of artists didn’t give a damn what you had going on.

  Neezy was a real one.

  He tapped his heart twice and Juice nodded his head.

  Once they were alone again.

  Teka told them, “I couldn’t even imagine what he was going through in there.”

  Carmen then thought about her brother. She had to go see him first thing the next day. She refused to allow him to wither away…to deteriorate right before her eyes. If he hadn’t already. She would ask the doctors were they certain that he couldn’t recover. If no other option was presented, she wouldn’t have a choice but to pull the plug.

  Little did she know, once she saw him with her own two eyes, the decision wouldn’t be an easy one.

  Twelve

  I know you’ve been wondering if I’ll trust again – Asiahn

  Praise and worship served as interlude for the Word. Praise and worship was the first course. Praise and worship was the introduction for what was to come. It was the encouragement you needed to push through whatever you were experiencing. It was the contractions before labor. Praise and worship shifted the atmosphere and the energy in the church. Praise and worship did what it needed to do and for a girl that hadn’t been in the presence of other worshippers in far too long, baby…. the Holy Ghost showed up and out.

  Carmen felt so good being back in her home church. It was nothing like your “home church.”

  The place where you discovered that God was real. The spiritual leaders that lifted you up and reminded you of your purpose.

  She’d tried many churches in California and even attempted one or two in Phoenix, but none could compare to her church back at home.

  In a chiffon-blouse, yellow fitted skirt and nude pumps, Carmen was in her Sunday best. On a row with her comrades, they lifted their hands in thanksgiving and praised God.

  Surely, He’d brought all of them a mighty long way.

  How dare they not give Him the praise.

  She was nestled in between Mahogany Bavay and Nia Hudson.

  Their crew took up two rows, including all the children.

  Mahogany and Porter rarely attended church these days, but it was first Sunday, and they knew it would be a special service on top of sowing their seed.

  Carmen, especially knew she couldn’t go another week without hearing Apostle’s powerful voice.

  She missed First Lady’s altar calls and of course, the praise and dance team.

  Yesterday, everyone checked on Tia who was recovering slowly but surely and a tired and worn out Juice. After laying eyes on them, Carmen asked if they didn’t mind going with her to see her brother.

  With Missy being adamant about not seeing Casey, she needed the support.

  Porter nodded his head, “Of course, sis.”

  She was nervous and didn’t really know what to expect when the nurse opened the door.

  Nia asked, “You want us to go in with you?”

  Carmen shook her head, “I got it from here…I think.”

  The peace of God surpassed all understanding.

  The Word of God declared that to be true.

  Her brother looked as if he was merely sleeping. He was resting.

  Tears welled in her eyes as she walked closer to the bed.

  “Hey big brother,” she greeted him with love.

  There was never any sibling rivalry between the two. He had always been her protector, cheerleader and very best friend.

  Casey was a great guy but like any other human, he battled his demons the best way he could. Drowning out everything in a bottle sufficed him…until it couldn’t anymore.

  “I’ve missed you,” she shared with him as she picked his hand up and kissed it.

  The monitors beeped loudly. She saw his chest rising but was already informed that he was only still alive because of the life support machines.

  Porter told her that he’d been paying for it and would continue to until someone from the Kincaid family told him to stop.

  Casey was his best friend and brother; he always had an open-door policy with him.

  Although, their friendship had wavered tremendously upon his return to the states, he still loved and respected him as a man.

  Carmen spent about twenty minutes with him before she felt herself about to cry again.

  “I’m going to be strong for you,” she promised him, finally.

  That was all he ever really wanted her to do.

  “Man up,” he used to tell her when they were children.

  Carmen had always been a dramatic little spoiled princess, his words not hers.

  And so, here she was…the very next day. Declaring with a raised hand, “I got power…the fight ain’t fair because I’ve already won.”

  She sung and clapped, “If He did it before, He’ll do it again…same God right now…same God back then.”

  This was her jam. She used to play this every morning in The Showroom.

  When the beat broke and the bridge came in, she found herself stomping the devil’s head and shouting.

  She had come a mighty long way and she wasn’t going back to that depressed broken girl. The devil was a liar! He wouldn’t get her mind. He wouldn’t get her peace, her happiness or her joy.

  He could try but he was going to fail.

  Tears ran down her face as her vision became blurry. She experienced a breakthrough like never before.

  The praise team sang and chanted, “Problems may change, situations may change…but you know you gon’ make it!!!!!”

  Church was lit today.

  It always made the service smoother when everyone was on the same page. When the entire congregation put a demand on the Heavens.

  Praise dancers waved purple and gold flags through the aisles, signifying that they wanted the floodgates to open and pour out a wave of blessings.

  Carmen ended up falling into her seat and wept. She was going to do what she had to do. She had to. The cord would be pulled on Casey’s life but that didn’t mean his soul wasn’t going on to Glory.

  Church was blessed in a mighty, mighty way. After service, she was thankful that her spiritual leaders greeted her with love and not scorn for being away for so long. They made plans to meet with her this week before moving on to the next member in the line.

  The gang met up in the parking lot and were trying to figure out what they were going to do for brunch.

  Mahogany was sleepy.

  Nia had a flight to catch.

  Teka was headed to meet Giselle, her bestie who was in town for lunch.

  Carmen decided to ease out. Her beau texted her while she was in church to let her know that he woke up with her on his mind, so she knew what that meant.

  She kissed everyone and promised to see them later and then made her way to her safe haven.

  His arms.

  His touch.

  His home.

  Even his crib was full of perfect peace.

  When she got out the shower, she found him in the kitchen, whipping up them something for lunch.

  And he looked good doing it. Nehemiah was her Renaissance man.

  Not only did he rap, but he was a creative being in every field. He was smart, he loved to read, he could cook too. He was a handy man, he knew how to paint, fish, and sew.

  He credited his well-roundedness to being born and raised in the South. He and his brother came to New York after school. He mentioned his mother being a background singer but could only find work up North. Every summer, she would send her boys back to Atlanta.

  Neezy believed he had the both of best worlds. She agreed.

  “Hmmm, it smells good in here. What are we having?”

  He looked over his shoulder and smiled at her. He glowed; she blushed.

  Love was brewing.

  A kitchen towel was draped lazily over his shoulder while he cooked.

  “Salmon, coconut rice and spinach…and water.”

  He loved water; she could do better with her intake.

&nbs
p; “Sounds delicious, babe.”

  Carmen took a seat at the kitchen island and watched him move around the kitchen.

  Everything on a list would’ve been checked off, if she had a notepad in hand.

  “How was church?” he asked her, making conversation while he finished up their meal.

  She didn’t expect him to ask her that, simply because she was aware that he wasn’t Christian and had his own thing going on.

  “It was really good, cried my lashes out,” she laughed, nervously.

  He looked at her and smiled again.

  “Word?”

  Because she was never good at biting her tongue, she questioned, “Do you believe in God?”

  He didn’t hesitate to answer her question, “Of course I do babe.”

  “What about Jesus?”

  He nibbled on his bottom lip, “Are you ready for us to talk about this?” he inquired before he shared his life with her.

  She nodded her head.

  “Okay.”

  The conversation was paused until he finished cooking.

  She made it a new habit to enjoy her Sundays. Although, she wasn’t technically back to work officially nor had she relaunched The Showroom, Sundays were still reserved for rest. Resting meant no social media and no idle conversation. Her mind, body and soul would be in sleep mode. She was chilling with her baby.

  In the comfiest pair of jogging pants and one of his t-shirts, she was hella relaxed.

  Neezy plated their food and brought it over.

  She promised to wash the dishes once they were done eating.

  He kissed her on the forehead before sitting across from her.

  “Ask me whatever you want.”

  That was all she needed to hear.

  “What is your religion called?”

  “Ifa…” he pronounced it as e-fye. Carmen repeated after him, “Ifa.”

  He nodded his head, “Heavily based on African principles. I believe in God just as you do. You believe in angels protecting you, I believe that it’s the ancestors.”

  He filled her in.

  “Do you go to Heaven?”

  She had so many questions.

  “I’ll go where my ancestors are.”

  “Do you have a Pastor or a leader?”

  “I see a Priest for direction.”

  She was intrigued but wasn’t interested in crossing over.

  “Well, I respect your walk like you respect mine,” she would leave it at that.

  “Of course.”

  Carmen noticed the little things he did which now made more sense.

  He didn’t touch anything, like nothing at all when they were in public places he kept a small handkerchief in his pocket.

  From the door handles to the salt and pepper shakers when they grabbed food.

  He prayed every five days.

  He went to a “tree” once a month to pray.

  He didn’t drink anything except water and partook in alcohol on very rare occasions.

  He was really in tune with his body and his health was a priority.

  He kept himself up and was a keen fellow.

  They ate in silence then she washed the dishes. Once she was finished, he pulled her into his bedroom and worked her body out until she couldn’t take anymore.

  The next morning, he left Carmen sleeping and snoring quite loudly. He thought about taking her on one more round before he got his day started but she’d tapped out more than once last night. Baby was tired. He smiled at her sexy ass and closed the door behind him.

  He was kind enough to give his niece a few extra days on her assignment.

  After he left his meeting with the label and caught up with Big Mo on the land that he’d given him complete reign over before he went to prison, he was popping up on his niece.

  The day got ahead of him rather quickly. Carmen texted him when she woke up and again, when she left. He joked that she’d low-key moved in and now she was adamant about copping her a place today.

  He would look forward to hearing about her day once they talked later.

  While he waited on Lira to come out of her mother’s crib, he played some of the songs that he’d recorded since being a free man.

  Juice had instructed the team assigned to Neezy’s project to continue working in his absence.

  He had sessions booked for the rest of the week.

  His creativity didn’t necessarily have a clock on it. However, he felt more alive in the booth after the sun fell. Around nine is when he really turned up. After the midnight hour the vibe became perfect and he thrived more with headphones on and his juicy lips pressed firmly into the microphone.

  He was itching to head to the studio tonight. He had a lot to get off his chest.

  He woke up with his brother heavily on his mind.

  It didn’t feel right that he was doing all this shit without him by his side.

  This was his brother’s vision for him.

  He could only hope that he was making him proud.

  Lira’s mother tapped on the window and his stomach churned at the sight of her money-hungry ass.

  He rolled the window down and waited on her to speak.

  “Why don’t you ever speak to me? It’s all about Miss Lira,” she had the nerve to whine and roll her eyes as she spoke.

  He peered over her body, which was still a sight for sore eyes, but she was a tramp.

  “Who else would it be about?”

  The old, ignorant him would’ve reminded her that she was nothing but a fuckin’ entitled ass baby mama that needed to accept the shit and get a damn job.

  “I’m her mother. If it wasn’t for me keeping her, Money wouldn’t have no legacy out here,” she spoke as if she’d shitted out the golden egg.

  He shook his head, “You got it all twisted, as always.”

  To many, Money was dead and gone. Yeah, Neezy still missed the fuck out of his brother. But to be real, no one was waking up every day, whistling and stopping to think to themselves, “Hmmm, wonder what Money’s “legacy” is up to.”

  It wasn’t happening.

  She needed to lose the idea of possibly still gaining clout from being his baby momma. The shit was a wrap.

  “I need some money, Lira told me you about to become a millionaire. Again.”

  Foolish hoe.

  “I been a millionaire, stop trying me.”

  Lira then texted at the right time because he was two seconds from giving this chick a reality check.

  She texted and asked could he come scoop her from the bus stop.

  He didn’t explain herself to his brother’s tired baby momma.

  He simply pulled off from the curb.

  Neezy planned on telling his niece once more to stop speaking on him in front of her mother. He wouldn’t be repeating himself again after this.

  η

  In order for her to successfully relaunch, The Showroom, a trip to California was needed. She caught a red-eye to her old stomping grounds and checked into the SLS Beverly Hills. After catching up on some uninterrupted sleep without sex, she was well-rested.

  Carmen took a shower, grabbed a latte and hopped in her rental car.

  She now understood that her time in Los Angeles was what she would forever refer to as a season.

  A chapter.

  As many good things that took place for her in L.A.

  It was also a time of solitude.

  You could be surrounded by a million people. Loved ones included. Children.

  Family.

  Friends.

  A bookie boo.

  And still, feel completely lonely.

  Secluded.

  Isolated.

  Carmen smiled every day at The Showroom. She went to all the games with her friends, sat courtside while her heart and mind was somewhere in the nosebleeds.

  She didn’t miss a concert.

  Was able to cop every red bottom Saks had to offer.

  She’d built the business.

  Develope
d the brand.

  Made headlines.

  Graced the red carpet.

  She’d seen the money in her account and had to double-check to make sure it was really real.

  All those things were at her disposal and yet and still, she was alone.

  Her child slept a few hundred feet away in his own bedroom and barely said two words to her.

  Her friends loved her but in the back of her head she always wondered why.

  Why? What did they love about her?

  What did they admire? If she didn’t bring something to the table, if her spirit wasn’t so open, giving and helpful would they still love her?

  Carmen’s trust issues ran a mile long.

  No one would ever understand.

  Well, Nehemiah did.

  During a conversation, they had a few nights ago…she opened up.

  “Sometimes I feel like I exist but I’m not living.”

  She wondered if he thought she was crazy.

  “I’ve been there. After my brother died. I lost my substance.”

  “What you mean?”

  He exhaled, “Nothing mattered anymore. You know substance is what you’re made of...it’s what fills something. Me and my brother were best friends. Without him, nothing made sense.”

  He got her.

  They connected on levels higher than the bedroom.

  She made love to him all night, hoping that she’d filled him up of the substance that he was in dire need of.

  Nia sent her an address where her files were stored. She’d left the keys to the building with Narie.

  Carmen was extremely nervous about seeing her. It’d been so long.

  Distance didn’t matter when the friendship was real from the beginning.

  Narie walked right up to her in the middle of the street.

  Carmen was looking for the storefront that Nia told her Narie now owned and was finally living out her dream of selling home goods and candles.

  “How random is this?” she questioned.

  Carmen shook her head, “Not too random. I was headed to your store.”

  She was happy to see her, nevertheless.

  They walked hand in hand like the old days and caught up, as if no time had passed.

  Narie used a key code to grant them access.

  She powered the lights on and said, “I’m not going to open yet.”